Persisting Memory
by Laukerie
Summary: While Frodo tries to resist the calling of The Ring he undertakes extremes measures. (Might put up the rating at a later stage)


Hey Everyone! This is my come-back fanfiction, the first I've written in a year and BOY does it feel good! I have just a small favour to ask one of you kind readers…  
  
Would anyone like to BETA for me? I don't think that my former BETA would be too interested in this kind of fic. (She has no taste what can I say ().  
  
By the way in case it isn't obvious this is set after the break up of the fellowship.  
  
WARNING: this is a dark fic and it could very well involve factors that could offend some people.  
  
Do I own them? Am I rich? Do cows fly?  
  
Persisting Memory  
  
The dark tentacles of night savagely ripped around me giving the empty, deserted surroundings an eerie feeling of life. It kept coming back, just as I had expected it to, just as it kept on returning every instant when I would find myself alone. I knew what triggered these images within my mind, the many thousand of horrific emotions stabbing my every shard of remaining sanity. It is the same thing that forever rested in the most forbidden part of my mind, the same thing that had haunted my every thought for as long as I could remember.  
  
With closed eyes I looked at the horrendous memories and dreams polluting my existence. They were not exaggerated, they were not minimised and, maybe, that is what made them so terrifying. They were just as they were in the past and as they always will be until the end.  
  
IT, the Ring was taking over me. IT was part of me. IT ruled me. I could feel it. This awareness was enough to send my subconscious screaming in silent agony for release but, at the same time, it marvelled in it.  
  
The memories of the past were coming back again; all the obscene accidents we were part of to get to this very place. The colours were less vivid and the sounds muffled but these glimpses were enough to allow me to foresee all the toils that still were to come: All those terrifying obstacles that cannot be avoided and that smirk at us from afar, all of them just basking in a ray of mirth knowing the feelings that their mere existence caused within our hearts.  
  
I glanced behind my shoulder at Sam sleeping soundly curled up under his cloak. It was just the two of us now. Without forgetting our third companion: The Ring, almost a third traveller, a despised dominant brother that had by that time taken the semblance of a leader in my heart. It was IT after all that controlled me. It was IT's presence that pushed us forward in fear, commanding us on or, more exactly, commanding me totally.  
  
It ripped through me. I could feel it pulling my mind apart and moving my hands, causing them to clutch the golden pendant on the thin chain around my neck. It pushed me, ordered me with Its soothing, irresistible inner voice to put It on. To forget my worries and catapult myself in the abyss of peace It could control and serve to me. It would have been so good, so fulfilling, just to momentarily escape from my life into a surreal one where I would finally be granted rest. It was so deliciously inviting… My insatiable hunger for calmness was desperately yearning to be quenched and soothed. My head began to pound mercilessly and I could do nothing but rest it on my left hand while the other unnoticeably travelled up and clenched around my golden desire.  
  
A far away corner of my mind screamed in warning at my unstoppable actions. I couldn't control it any more, the calling was simply too powerful and yet I was still desperately trying to resist it, to block it out long enough for me to do something to calm myself down. My breath started coming out in deep measured sighs and I concentrated on it desperately trying to convince myself that I was still the one who controlled my body. Not IT. Not yet.  
  
My finger was nearing the hoop and, as I felt my skin touching the inner metal, my eyes widened in shock for even though at that moment there was nothing I wanted more in the world but to feel that band enveloping my digit, I could finally see the danger that this small action would have unleashed. It was too late then, my right hand was too close to fulfilling its task: The Ring was simply too powerful. I made a sudden decision in that instant: My left palm came into contact with the cold metal of my trusted Sting and pulled it from its sheath. The blade was shining an eerie blue but I knew that no outside enemies were lurking. The light was simply reflecting my intentions and their possible outcomes.  
  
My arm was still bent so that my hand was at my neck but I managed to pull my sleeve back rolling it just to uncover an inch above my elbow. I gently placed the smooth edge of the sword against the soft skin on the outside of my forearm and slowly pressed down until my blood stained the shining metal by lining it with its red colour. I dropped my head back and lolled it sighing out in relief. I could feel my knuckles loosening from the Ring as my mind concentrated on something else almost as haunting: Pain.  
  
My arm dropped into my lap and again I sighed in contentment. It felt wonderful, almost like letting the influence of this apparently simple piece of jewellery flow out freely from me while simultaneously liberating my organism from most of its desire for IT.  
  
Quickly the pain left or was just plain numbed, at that stage I couldn't tell for sure. Dreadfully, again I felt the pounding of the Ring in my mind. I could not let it get to me, not when I had finally managed to achieve even the smallest level of release. I turned Sting around this time placing it against the soft skin of my inner arm and again pulled it across. I glanced down briefly to see the extent of the cut: The slash was deep but fortunately not deep enough to cause permanent damage. I cleaned the blade with a piece of cloth and sat back concentrating on the pain throbbing through me. Once again it seemed to work: The Ring appeared obscured and seemed to remain only as a peeking weight on my chain.  
  
I pressed the piece of material firmly against the gash with my eyes closed, thriving only in the wound pulsating in time with my heartbeat. I rested my back against a boulder leaning my head back as well, still refusing to open my eyes.  
  
Suddenly Sam's stirring reached my ears causing me to straighten up quickly not wanting him to view the morbid spectacle I had just been a part of.  
  
"'s time to leave yet Master Frodo?" His soft sleep-filled voice mumbled quietly startled me into abruptly rolling my sleeve down to cover my injured limb. I held no desire to let Sam know just how much influence the Ring already held upon me, couldn't bare to see his questioning gaze filled with worry and maybe betrayal if he chose to believe I was trying to end it all.  
  
"Almost Sam. We should get started as soon as possible." I answered him in the most normal voice I could master while trying to cope with the conflicting feelings of pain, discomfort and undeniable pinching GUILT battling within me.  
  
In a matter of minutes we were both up, packs on backs ready to continue what seemed like a never ending march. At about mid-morning I could feel the ring weighing down on me again, Its mass pulling down on the chain resembled a heavy rock rather than a light golden band. It seemed as if its pressure was scraping into the back of my neck, cutting the skin every time a slight movement made the pendent undulate, even the most imperceptible one.  
  
I couldn't go on like that for many more days, I could feel my last strength leaving my tired limbs as they ached in protest. I dug my fingers into my cut arm hoping to free a different kind of pain. One that could get my mind off of the one that I had grown so used to.  
  
I winced unnoticed by Sam's tired eyes that were by now concentrating on the ground below him trying not to notice how much distance he still had to walk. Almost suddenly a throbbing sensation erupted from my arm in what I could have described as the most awaited feeling in the world. It felt magnificent but of course, anything different from my previous discomfort would have been welcomed with open arms.  
  
The night began to fall again around us and yet we continued on: Both of us knew we certainly did not have much time to spare. It was only after a while that Sam, noticing my sweaty brow and reddening cheeks suggested we should stop for the night and recuperate our energy. I was ripped in two.  
  
Part of me needed to stop, to rest, drink, eat. The other part dreaded it. It didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts: the same thoughts that, overpowered by the Ring, pushed my hand towards that small golden band. Even worse, it is the same thoughts that encourage that same hand to reach out for the releasing pain of a blade cutting through my skin. I don't know if I would choose sitting down for a while for some needed rest as opposed to going on walking and distracting my mind with different thoughts. Of course that was a lie in itself. There were no other things to think about. Everything seemed to revolve around the Ring; every distant memory, every possibility for the future. It was frustrating to the point of madness. Sure I could tell myself to ignore it but, could I listen to my own advice?  
  
I hadn't been able to follow my own free will for a while now.  
  
  
  
Well, thank you for reading this far… (Laukerie glances around to see if anyone is INDEED there.)  
  
I don't know whether to write more about this or to just leave it as a stand-alone. You let me know!  
  
I 


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